Food For Thought Newsletter:
May 1st, 2023
Topic of the Month: Grief
How do we process loss? Can loss even be processed? When we lose someone we love, a job we are passionate about, members of a community we are close to, or even a possession that had deep meaning… it feels as if a part of us has been lost too.
Not every loss is the same or affects us the same. The universally recognized stages of grief are generally listed as: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. In my experience as a therapist and as a human being, I can tell you that those stages are rarely uniform. Sometimes they manifest completely different order. Most of them can come in different degrees of intensity. All of this varies by the type of loss/grief and the personality of the person suffering it.
One thing is always the same, though. Grief is never easy. And it, certainly, cannot be rushed or slowed down. It just comes. It is the brain/consciousness’ way of responding to a major shock of change and/or loss. For example, when we lose a beloved parent… we don’t just fear losing a dear friend and mentor… but a piece of our past. When losing a child or grandchild… we feel as though we are losing our future. When losing a job, relationship, house… anything that we believe makes us who we are… we feel we have lost our present identity.
The mind has to process this shock in time and in the emotional stages that naturally come. Make sure if you are going through the grieving process, you are being gentle to yourself, and holding close your loved ones who are understanding/empathetic. Take your time to process in quiet or in action… alone and with others. Voice your needs and your feelings verbally and by writing them down. And remember, there is no exact method or outcome that can be forced on you. You are the one to process this and decide what comes out of your experience. You are the one to find what you need to help process.
However… this does not mean you are alone. If there is one “good” or “positive” thing that can come out of grief, it is the knowledge that you are not alone. Even if you have no remaining close friends or relatives… there are others grieving and suffering around you. Many who are experiencing the same symptoms of grief as you. You need only look on Facebook to find a wonderfully rich number of grief support groups. Or, even look for ones that meet in person in your local community. It need not even be that formal. If you simply pay attention to others in your daily life: at your job, church, community center, neighborhood, etc… Trust me, you will find others hurting.
That, I would say, is the most important part of processing grief: maintaining some level of communication with others. Not feeling alone is monumental in allowing yourself to feel your emotions with a centered mindset. It could be as simple as texting someone (i.e. friend, family member, support group member, counselor, etc.) for a few minutes each day. But, feeling the presence of those around you emotionally and/or physically really is what I always recommend to my clients.
Remember there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. There is only the inevitable process and going through that process with the support of others.
I wish any of you with the burden of grief nothing but complete healing, connection, and most importantly… peace.
Lynne Penn-Leon, LCSW-C