Food For Thought Newsletter:
October 13, 2022
Topic of the Month: Healthy Communication
People often ask me, “How do you deal with talking to people about their problems all day?” The thing that they don’t often realize is that that question has its answer already in it. We talk. We talk. It is a conversation… a dialogue that requires the parties involved to equally participate. This allows both therapist and client to express, analyze, and then strategize an effective treatment plan.
This is not just in regard to my work with clients. In my overall daily life: chatting with my family and friends, talking with other professionals in my field, and even finally getting through to a customer service agent about one of my bills, requires a lot of energy, patience, and thought.
In an era of instant messaging and social media, I think we as human beings, are becoming less accustomed to the essentials needed in communication. The classic joke, which sadly happens all too often, is the one friend texting the other perfectly calmly. While the other friend is frustrated and furious over misinterpreting a letter, word, symbol, or even incorrectly auto-adjusted phrase that completely ruins the context in which it was meant.
It is vital for all of us, whether in behavioral health or any other area of everyday life to prioritize that we communicate clearly and effectively. And I believe this can be done in several ways.
⦁ Speak one at a time. Sometimes multiple voices at once is not always bad: i.e. finishing each other’s sentences in close relationships. However, when getting to know someone and building trust, even in close relationships, it is very important to make sure that each person is being heard. If you don’t feel a person is listening to you, call it out gently. Ask them what is on their mind and if later would be a better time to talk. You’d be surprised how many people honestly don’t mean to cut you off, and will respond well to you pointing it out. Do the same for them. Try to give each person, in the conversation individual time to express their thoughts and feelings. This is also a huge way of diffusing potential arguments.
⦁ When you are not talking… listen. More often than not people just sort of hear each other’s words as a muffled voice while they are already formulating their responses based on only key words/phrases the other person is saying. Take the time to clear your head and really try to take in what the other person is saying, especially when they are being vulnerable. True listening is hearing and absorbing what the other party is expressing. Sort of like how when we watch a good movie/tv series, listen to a great song, or see a captivating play, we surrender our attention to try to appreciate or at least process what we are hearing and seeing. We don’t have to agree or even condone what is being expressed, but we need to practice more of effective listening before responding.
⦁ Think before we speak. This can be hard, especially when passions are high. Arguing is most often caused by knee-jerk reactions to trigger words or expressions that upset us. When two people or more get going, it’s like a runaway freight train. Just like the other steps listed, this third step is key in helping prevent or diffuse aggression in communication. Even if the other party is way out of line, it is so important to not lose your head. We all have our bad days, myself included. But, the more we practice pacing ourselves, and thinking of an empathetic, structured, and calm ways of expressing our own words, the more effective at communication we will be.
Each of these steps is applicable in most forms of communication: talking by phone, texting, video chat, etc. It’s just a matter of customizing them to the platform being used. I will say, however, that after my many years as a therapist, face to face communication in person or by video chat is the most effective. You get the person’s face, voice, body language, and so on to observe and react to.
On a side note, observing body language is a very important tool too, but I’ll dive into that more in the future newsletters.
I wish the best for you all, and have a Happy Halloween!
Lynne Penn-Leon LCSW-C