I have a theory regarding how the human brain works when it responds to obstacles, especially criticism. I think when criticism is upbeat/constructive/positive, it usually motivates us to improve and grow. However, when it is harsh/over-the-top/negative, we tend to take it at face value, and let it weigh us down from really moving forward.
The hard reality about the world we live in, is that other people are always going to criticize, judge, demand, and respond to our actions in a negative way. Not all people and not all situations will emit this response, but many will. Sometimes, they are right, sometimes they are wrong. Sometimes they are right about certain details, while being completely out of line with others. What’s really more important is how we respond to such attitudes.
Most of the time, we want to defend ourselves. In many cases we have good reason to. However, I would argue that rather than getting defensive, or letting criticism weigh you down… there is a healthier approach. It is, in a word, determination. Of course, determination by itself is not enough. Rather, I mean to suggest that determination as a self-reflective attitude, both open to truths we may need to hear from those who mean well and closed off to lies that have been used to control us by bullies.
To my mind, determination is a mindset that focuses on achieving a goal regardless of the obstacles that may come in the way. I would also add to that by saying that rather than ignoring the obstacles or seeking to defy them… we should be aware of what they are, why there are there, and how we can use them to motivate us to move forward rather than to get stuck. For example, one obstacle as it relates to criticism can be a the people in your life, professional or personal, who has seen you at your struggle to achieve a goal. This individual might, even out of complete empathy and concern, try to suggest or demand that you give up a certain goal for you own mental/physical health’s sake. In this instance, I would suggest putting yourself in their shoes to see what about their point, if anything, is valid.
That being said, I would also reflect on your own goal: what you want to achieve, why you want to achieve it, and how you have been attempting to thus far. Just by reflecting on these things, and trying to see multiple sides of an obstacle and/or criticism will really help you consider much you likely haven’t before. It doesn’t mean you or the other party are completely right or wrong. Regardless of what conclusion you come to, remember not to cast determination aside due to others’ disapproval, concern or even more malicious attitudes (i.e. jealousy, control, projection of their issues on to you, etc.). Hold on to your determination, as long as you are open to finding ways to achieve your goals in a way that will empower yourself and others, and not hurt your sense of balance.
On that note, determination without consideration, reflection, and self-analysis runs the risk of throwing us off balance. This is the other key point, that I wish to stress. If you are hitting a brick wall with any goal (i.e. work, health, relationship, spiritual goals), don’t let your determination drive you into trying too hard. This can lead to heavy internal and external fatigue. Often you have to mentally and/or physically step away briefly from certain aspects of your life to get a breather, and your heart and mind to rest and reset. Then, when you revisit the goal in question, you can approach it with an even clearer mind and more open heart.
I wish you all nothing but the best, as always!
Lynne Penn-Leon, LCSW-C