Food For Thought Newsletter:
February 20th, 2023
Topic of the Month: Boundaries
I've always thought of relationship boundaries as a kind of gate. One which doesn't burn a bridge, but is patrolled by actions and words. Even though the boundary is set, people can still be let in. However, this is at the discretion of the boundary-setter.
We've all been there with "toxic" people. Those who have used/abused us, in some shape or form. Those who have hurt us, stolen from us, or tried to attack us. Most abusers get away with this by not being physical in their abuse. But words, and actions can still scar our souls and break our spirits as much as any kick or slap.
So, the question is, as we heal from our pain… how do we keep ourselves from being hurt the same way again?
How do we forgive without enabling? How do we not hold on to hate while letting bad relationships go?
The answer to these questions, in short, is the utilization of boundaries. The idea is to create a protective barrier for our hearts and minds. When others maliciously hurt us, we cannot give them a chance to do so again.
We have to remind ourselves that we do not deserve to be abused. We have to hold ourselves accountable for how we choose to continue to interact with destructive people. Sometimes it can be as extreme as telling them that we do not want to be around them anymore. Or, in less extreme cases, telling them that we will only interact with them under certain conditions (i.e. group events, meetings with mediator, etc.).
Most bullies will try to test our boundaries when we start putting them down. Many will not take it seriously. The key response when this happens is to tell them that there will be consequences if they continue to violate boundaries. What those consequences are really depends on the situation. For example, they can range from going to court to get a peace order to simply blocking a toxic person’s social media profile from your own.
I think the reason why it is hard for most people to put boundaries down is that abusers work hard to make it seem like we, the victims, are the problem. However, you need only look at your abusers’ other relationships to see how they treat others the same way. Trust me, if they are the problem… you will find a pattern. Guilt has no place in this process. If anything, staying true to yourself/your boundaries, when you know you are being abused, can help inspire those around you to do the same.
In my opinion it is also essential to find forgiveness in your heart toward your enemies. However, it is also my opinion forgiveness does not include reconciliation and certainly not forgetting past abuses. Forgiveness also does not include letting those boundaries down. Those things can accompany forgiveness, but they are not and should not be a package deal. Each abuser and boundary has to be processed on a case-by-case basis.
Remember, at the end of the day, you have to care for yourself and those you are responsible for. Boundaries are for your and their mental, emotional, and even physical health and safety. Boundaries also allow forgiveness and healing to occur in a more centered and complete fashion.
Sometimes the best way to love our enemies is to love them from a healthy distance.
Lynne Penn-Leon LCSW-C